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ibtimes.com/kulula-airlines-funny-flying-101-jet-brings-airplane-humor-skies-photos-554779#
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2012 08:28AM by panzer.
Air Traffic Control dialogue.
============================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine." explained the flight attendant, adding, "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport can sometimes be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with some arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
During taxi at London Heathrow, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
============================================================
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2012 08:29AM by panzer.
Former President George W. Bush reportedly voted for Barack Obama accidentally today in Texas.
Bush stated the mistake was made because ‘everything was very mismaladjusted on the screen. You shouldn’t put the senators and the congresspeople and the presidents all jumbled together like that. It’s too crowded. Just confuses folks.‘
http://www.silverdoctors.com/george-bush-accidentally-votes-for-obama-everything-was-mismaladjusted-on-the-screen/
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/18/2012 08:29AM by panzer.
This is funny and sad at the same time. Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at lease 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on deregulated charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is? ... Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Pearl Habour was no act of war. Just a limited air strike with no boots on the ground
A math programmer stumbles into his house at 3 am.
His wife is livid. "You're late!" She screams. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"Actually," he responds, "I said I'd be in by a quarter of 12."
ROFL - Thanks for digging up this thread!
Can't remember having seen it before, but some great goodies here
All which isn't K-Meleon related.
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: October 17, 2012 08:25AM
ibtimes.com/kulula-airlines-funny-flying-101-jet-brings-airplane-humor-skies-photos-554779#
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2012 08:28AM by panzer.
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: October 22, 2012 08:29AM
Air Traffic Control dialogue.
============================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine." explained the flight attendant, adding, "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport can sometimes be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: (with some arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
During taxi at London Heathrow, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
============================================================
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2012 08:29AM by panzer.
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: November 07, 2012 10:27AM
Former President George W. Bush reportedly voted for Barack Obama accidentally today in Texas.
Bush stated the mistake was made because ‘everything was very mismaladjusted on the screen. You shouldn’t put the senators and the congresspeople and the presidents all jumbled together like that. It’s too crowded. Just confuses folks.‘
http://www.silverdoctors.com/george-bush-accidentally-votes-for-obama-everything-was-mismaladjusted-on-the-screen/
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: November 22, 2012 09:13AM
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: December 18, 2012 08:24AM
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/18/2012 08:29AM by panzer.
Re: No Joke!:mad:
Posted by:
panzer
Date: January 24, 2013 08:33AM
This is funny and sad at the same time. Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at lease 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on deregulated charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is? ... Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Limited air strike on Syria?
Posted by:
guenter
Date: September 12, 2013 06:39AM
Pearl Habour was no act of war. Just a limited air strike with no boots on the ground
Re: WW III Fund Raiser
Posted by:
panzer
Date: March 23, 2017 05:27AM
A math programmer stumbles into his house at 3 am.
His wife is livid. "You're late!" She screams. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"Actually," he responds, "I said I'd be in by a quarter of 12."
Re: No Joke!:cool:
Posted by:
siria
Date: March 25, 2017 01:09PM
ROFL - Thanks for digging up this thread!
Can't remember having seen it before, but some great goodies here
English