Ha-ha! My like goes to you, panzer! ;-)

On a tour of a mental institution, a health inspector pays a visit to a group of patients. He asks one of them, "What's your name?"

"I'm Napoleon Bonaparte," answers the patient.

"Oh, come on! What gave you that idea?" asks his interviewer.

"God told me that," the patient replies.

Upon which another patient in the room shouts out angrily, "I did NOT!"

==========

I heard the comedian Victor Borge tell the following story about a flight he was on. Obviously I can't tell it like he did, so I'll paraphrase it, instead:

A four-engine plane lost one of its engines during a night flight over the Pacific. The pilot's voice came over the P.A. system: 'One of our four engines has failed and we've lost a bit of altitude, but we're doing fine, so there's nothing to worry about."

So nobody worried (he thought).

A few minutes later another engine failed. Again came an announcement: "We still have two engines and are doing just fine. We may be a couple of hours late, but otherwise everything is O.K. Don't worry!"

So the passengers decided to make the best of it, and threw a little party. Everyone was laughing and joking and dancing in the aisle, except for one woman, who remarked, "I hope the other two engines are O.K., otherwise we'll be up here all night!"

---
Gerry

Believe it or not, a rabbi told me this joke 60 years ago:

A married couple somehow had the idea that they could predict the future career of their baby boy by placing a couple of objects in front of him and observing which of them he'd pick up.

They sat him on the floor, placed a bible in front of him at his left, and then a twenty-dollar bill at his right. They figured if he picked up the bible, he'd spend his adult life as a clergyman. If he picked up the twenty, he'd be a banker.

They waited anxiously, until finally the kid crawled over to the bible and picked it up. Then he grabbed the twenty-dollar bill, opened the bible, and slipped the money inside.

"Oh, no," exclaimed the father, "he's going to be a Roman Catholic priest!"

==========

A Jewish man gets run down by a car right in front of a church. Onlookers, thinking the man might not survive, send for the priest in the church, who decides it would be best to administer the man's last rites. He asks the victim, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

"Oi," replies the man, "I'm dying, and he asks me riddles!"

---
Gerry

Thomas Beecham, the famous British conductor, once said to a lady cellist in his orchestra:
"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."

---
Gerry

Huge pile of epic gifs for developers:
http://thecodinglove.com/



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/28/2017 10:01AM by panzer.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2017 08:53PM by panzer.

What does a blonde gamer do when computer tells her that there are two frags left?

She turn to the left and starts shooting frantically.

- The new cook is a ray of sunshine.

- Does she cook well?

- No, she burns everything.

That is an amazingly well depicted scene Panzer !!
It leads me to wonder briefly about the photo itself...whether it was cleverly caught as a real scene - or whether it was so well staged as to look real ??
Of course the added verbiage on top of it is also a perfect fit !!

The m$<=>Github thing brings only this to mind for the poor, affected (afflicted ??) coders:
'Resistance is futile - you WILL be a$$imilated.'

Thanks for posting & sharing this !!

PS: Panzer I have PM'd you here a few days back...

Agency heads of MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition and meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big German forest.

The contest is as follows: each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.

First, the MI5 agents head for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. “We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple.”

The CIA team enters the forest and emerges four hours later, holding a rabbit carcass which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. “We used satellite surveillance to acquire our target, but during the tracking, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts.” Nobody objects.

Now, it was the KGB’s turn. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps head held down, looking at the ground. Absently, he mumbles “I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits.”

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2018 09:38AM by panzer.

I can just imagine Windows 10 being Skynet, given how invasive and infiltrative it is.

Three monks were sitting by the side of a lake in meditation. Suddenly, the first monk got up and said, “I forgot to put my underwear out to dry!” and miraculously walked on the water, across the lake, and into his hut, before promptly returning.

Before long, the second monk jumped up and said, “I forgot to flush the toilet” and immediately got up and strolled on top of water, into his hut, and came back again, in the same amazing way.

The third monk thought, “These monks think they have some sort of superior meditation technique and are just showing off. I can do that easily. I’m a far better meditator then they’ll ever be.” The monk stood up, attempted to confidently walk on water, and immediately fell into the lake. He got out, psyched himself up, and tried again. The same thing happened. Before long, he was completely soaked.

The other two monks calmly watched the scene, and then one monk said to the other, “Shall we tell him where the stones are?”

On a certain winter morning in Michigan, where the lakes freeze such that you can actually drive on the lake, an old timer went ice-fishing. He went at eleven o’clock in the morning, cut a small hole and sat down with a crate of beer next to him ­– because it is a patience game. He put the line in and sat down, sipping beer, sipping beer, sipping beer. The day went by. By four o’clock in the evening, he still had not caught a single fish.

Evening, four o’clock, one young boy came, with a big stereo on his shoulders and rap music blaring. He also cut a hole close by and sat down to fish – with the stereo blaring. This man looked at him and thought, “I have been sitting here quietly since morning, and I haven’t landed one fish. The fool comes now with a stereo blaring and he hopes to catch fish. Ha! No fool like a young fool.” And to his amazement within ten minutes the boy landed a huge trout. He shook his head and looked at it, then he said, “Okay, flash in the pan,” dismissed him and again focused on his fishing. Another ten minutes later, the boy landed one more trout.

Now he could not ignore him. With great desperation he just looked at him. “What is happening? I have been sitting here for the whole day and not caught a single fish. In twenty minutes, the boy has got two.” And to his utter amazement, in another ten minutes, the boy landed one more trout. Now he could not hold back any more. He kept his pride aside, slowly walked to the young boy and asked, “See, I have been sitting here the whole day not making a single sound, and I haven’t landed a single fish. I see in thirty minutes you have three trout in your basket. What is the secret of this?” The boy said, “Ru Ra Ra Ra Ru Ra Rum.” He said, “What?” The boy repeated, “Ru Ra Ra, Ra Ru Ra Rum.” The man said, “I don’t understand what you are saying.” The boy spat out a blob of something into his hands and said, “You have to keep the worms warm.”

There was a new lawyer. It was his first case. He is very enthusiastic; he really wants to do his best. He lost the case. Then he went to meet his client who was in custody. He went and told him, “I have good news and bad news for you. Which do you want first?” The man said, “Okay, give me the bad news first.” So the lawyer said, “You have been sentenced to death.” Then the man asked, “What the hell can be good news after this?” The lawyer said, “I really fought hard and got the voltage reduced for you.”

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2018 09:27AM by panzer.

youtube.com/watch?v=foT9rsHmS24

ROFL.... NO Joke!

https://www.westfalen-blatt.de/OWL/Kreis-Herford/Spenge/4186385-Melitta-stellt-Produktion-teilweise-um-Spenger-Wolf-PVG-liefert-Vlies-Atemmasken-in-Form-von-Filtertueten

This is serious. 1 million Melitta-Masks per day, official quality approved.
Just the material is new and specific for this purpose.
Design due to lack of time, future improvements and FFP2 models are in work

System32Comics is a comic series that focuses on computer humor:
https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/system32comics/list?title_no=235074



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2020 07:55AM by panzer.

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW TO SURVIVE COVID-19 I LEARNED BY WATCHING SCIFI & HORROR MOVIES:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUdV7Xf9sT4