Brit, German and Bosnian are competing in a competition in teling rude words.

Brit open the competition by swearing for 10 minutes.

Next, German swears for 20 minutes.

When Bosnian should go on stage, he trips and hurts his ankle. He is swearing like mad for 30 minutes. Then he stops, goes on stage and says:"Well, let's start, shall we"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2009 06:11AM by panzer.

Quote
panzer
Brit, German and Bosnian are competing in a competition in teling rude words.

Brit open the competition by swearing for 10 minutes.

Next, German swears for 20 minutes.

When Bosnian should go on stage, he trips and hurts his ankle. He is swearing like mad for 30 minutes. Then he stops, goes on stage and says:"Well, let's start, shall we"

Nice one...


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Michael Jackson is confirmed dead believed to have drowned in the Hudson river New York - he was found bobbing up and down on a bouy.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven god granted her one wish. She wished for all of the children to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

Ambulance officers have confirmed Michael Jackson's death. He was blowing bubbles when they arrived. The monkey is in a stable condition.... Read more

Michael Jackson did utter a few words to paramedics on the way to hospital---put me in the children's ward!

Did you hear that out of respect McDonalds are releasing the McJackson Burger? Fifty year old meat between Ten year old buns.

Breaking News: Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack, it was an allergic reaction to 12 year old nuts.

His body will be melted down into 1000 plastic cups so that little children can get their mouths round his rim one last time.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Films? Disney films can still touch kids

There may still be hope of bringing Michael Jackson back! Apparently they've sent one of the Charlie's Angels in after him.

All his dates are now cancelled, including Simon and Ryan aged 5 and 9...

Doctors say that Michael Jackson will be donating his organs to children... again

Michael Jackson's last request was to be cremated and for his ashes to be put in an etch-a-sketch so kids could still play with him.


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Drug addicts

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

They knew!


http://www.lockergnome.com/theoracle/files/2009/04/tweeter-what2.jpg

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

A nun arrives at the airport. She has a lot of baggage so she waits if anyone will help her. When Mujo sees her, he runs and helps her. When Haso asks him, why did he helped her, Mujo answers:"Well, I will always help friends of a Batman!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2009 05:47AM by panzer.

http://www.danielsen.com/jokes.shtml

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Awkward family photo's

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/category/strange-not-awkward/

A Panda was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint .

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Panda! What are you doing?'

The Panda said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the Panda where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the Panda in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the Panda was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the Panda looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude....

How much water did you drink!?'


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Quote
panzer


Who is the Groom? The guy with the yellow tie or the Brunet?

Charlie

~~If it ain't broke, why screw it up?~~

Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go


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the queen's favourite derby
http://www.rofl.name/flash/arse_race.swf

@ disrupted

After what I ate at our Fourth of July picnic yesterday, I must confess the picture is accurate.

Quote
JamesD
After what I ate at our Fourth of July picnic yesterday, I must confess the picture is accurate.

happy 4th of july james

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a pooorno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a pooorno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group seeex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."


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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/06/2009 07:18AM by Gorilla no baka.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fu.....ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"


He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."


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The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls...
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright... I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"


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the bush one is hilarious

what extensions really mean:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100_Firefox_extensions
we still need no. 7

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."


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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down.
The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said,

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.....

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"


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H

1 Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

2 Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

3 Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

4 Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

5 Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

6 Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

7 Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.

8 Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

9 Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.


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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2009 08:28AM by Gorilla no baka.

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."


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Learn chinese in 5 minutes

(Must Read Out Loud)

1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai

5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - WaiYu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.


The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.


When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'


One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

^^^

lol